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Today and every other day in 'The Asylum'
WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE
Good morning and welcome to a brand new episode of 'THE ASYLUM'.

Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting daily competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house! We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer. And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British passport, and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'!

Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, selling the Big Issue and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

No application ever refused, reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: 'ASYLUM'.

A few years ago 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stanstead where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in luxury hotels all over Britain.

Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services and a luxury hotel in historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help. It won't cost you a penny, so play today; it could change your life forever.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Saddam activists, anti-Saddam activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil Tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...COME ON DOWN!

Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal. Don't stop in Germany or France. Go straight to Britain and you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.

Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'!