Sinn Fein is pleased to announce the formation of its new banking service Ourselves a Loan.

Gone are the days when Sinn Fein members wore suits only at weddings, funerals and court appearances. These are people you can trust; many of whom have decades of experience in the financial sector (mainly arranging large cash advances at short notice).

So if you require a cash advance for whatever purpose, come and speak to a friendly advisor at Ourselves a Loan- and it won`t cost you an arm and a leg.

Ourselves a Loan.... making our peace dividend go further.

Quids Provo

Peter Hain, the Secretary of State who is temping here at the moment, has announced a range of measures which the Government will undertake in return for the IRA`s promise to cease making promises about ceasefires, decommissioning, not leaving the toilet seat up, and squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube.

The top eye-catching move is free parking for former members of the IRA`s "engineering department".

After all, they created most of the car parks in our cities so it is only right that get some sort of reward for their efforts

IRA man busy retraining as Community Warden