Tongue in cheek…

Junius looks at the destruction of the English language by the EU

 

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five year modification plan to phase in a new style that will be known as “EuroEnglish”

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased with the “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments wil enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate spelling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgrasful and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz year ze unesesary “o” can be droped from vords containing “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.Ze drem vil finali kum tru!-Zis mesij kums to yu kurtesi of Wyndham Armz, Klearwel.